Group Therapy Sessions
by EagleDaydream
Summary: Parody of a bunch of Harry Potter characters as they go through a week-long group therapy program. XD Read and find out more! R&R would be lovely! The spacing is fixed this time. :D
1. Monday

~Group Therapy Sessions~  
  
[Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. If I did, I would be a very happy puppy, but I'll settle for being just a happy puppy right now.]  
  
Well, this story's a parody of some of the Harry Potter characters, who have all joined a therapy group. Read along, now. XD  
  
Monday:  
  
[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, and Professor Trelawney.]  
  
Dr. Phil: I'd like to welcome everyone to the first group therapy meeting.  
  
Lucius: So what are the quirks here?  
  
Dr. Phil: Quirks? Now wait a minute! You're expecting other quirks, besides helping yourself to better mental stability.  
  
Lucius: Yes...  
  
Dr. Phil: {whispering} My diet plan and an anti-balding kit if you throw in a few.. um.. what are they called?  
  
Lucius: Knuts?  
  
Dr. Phil: Yes, that's it.  
  
Lucius: Gladly.  
  
*Pettigrew cackles.*  
  
Lucius: Shut up, Pettigrew.  
  
*Pettigrew clings to Voldemort.*  
  
Pettigrew: SAVE ME, MASTER! SAVE ME!  
  
Voldemort: Get.. off.. of.. me.  
  
Pettigrew: But, I need protection, master!  
  
Dr. Phil: I'm sensing a bit of insecurity here.  
  
Professor Trelawney: Hey, I'm the one who senses things!  
  
Draco: {whispering to himself, admiring his reflection in a mirror} I'm so sexy.  
  
Professor Trelawney: My dear, I believe that is a miniature version of the Mirror of Erised.  
  
Draco: FUCK!  
  
Dr. Phil: What a foul-mouthed child! Who are his parents?!  
  
Lucius: That'd be me.  
  
Dr. Phil: Oh my, Lucius, I'm sorry, will you still--  
  
Lucius: No knuts for you!  
  
*Dr. Phil's eyes water.*  
  
Voldemort: Damned muggle. The ONLY reason I'm not cursing this foul muggle is because my Snapey-wapey told me I should.. come-- did I just say that aloud?  
  
*Draco bursts out laughing.*  
  
Voldemort: FOOL! {Points his wand at Draco} Avad--  
  
Dr. Phil: Now, now! Don't kill the poor boy! After all you did call someone Snapey--  
  
*Voldemort points his wand at Dr. Phil.*  
  
Dr. Phil: Did I mention how WONDERFUL it is to discipline children?  
  
Lucius: I'm having a hard time debating which one is more annoying: Pettigrew or this Dr. Phil. Mm.. definitely Dr. Phil.  
  
Dr. Phil: {sniffling} You are SO harsh!  
  
*Pettigrew grovels at Lucius's feet.*  
  
Pettigrew: Sweet Lucius. Kind Lucius. Generous Lucius. You will protect me from all bad things.  
  
Lucius: Get away from me.  
  
*Pettigrew crawls over to Draco.*  
  
Pettigrew: Sweet Draco. Kind Draco. Generous Draco. You will protect me from all bad things as I melt in your sexiness.  
  
Draco: I'm.. flattered.. but please get away.  
  
*Pettigrew crawls to Dr. Phil.*  
  
Pettigrew: Sweet Dr. Phil. Kind Dr. Phil. Generous Dr. Phil. You will protect me from all the mean wizards by use of your extensive knowledge.  
  
Dr. Phil: {sniffling} Why, yes! Yes, I will!  
  
*Dr. Phil picks up Pettigrew and stomps away.*  
  
Voldemort: ..that went well.  
  
Professor Trelawney: I had foreseen this! I gazed into my crystal ball this morning, and I saw an ugly muggle man and--  
  
Lucius: My GAWD, 'lawney, everyone knows you are SO in love with Pettigrew!  
  
Draco: Father..?  
  
Lucius: You heard NOTHING.  
  
Professor Trelawney: How dare you! I trusted you with my secret!  
  
Voldemort: I bet you had seen this coming.  
  
Professor Trelawney: Why yes, I--  
  
Voldemort: Shut the HELL up!  
  
*Professor Trelawney convulses.* 


	2. Tuesday

[A/N: Yay! Tuesday time! Hope you enjoyed this so far! XD]  
  
  
  
Tuesday:  
  
  
  
[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Trelawney, Professor Quirrel, and Hermione Granger.]  
  
  
  
Dr. Phil: First off, I'd like to apologize for yesterday's happenings. I just lost control of myself, and some things--  
  
  
  
Pettigrew: {staring around with a blank expression} Cincinnati dancing pig, he's the barnyard mister big! Cincinnati dancing pig, with his riggedy, jiggedy, jiggedy, jiggedy jig-a-jig-jig!  
  
{Silence}  
  
Dr. Phil: All right, then. I'd also like to welcome two of our new members, Hermione Granger, and Professor Quirrel. Yes, Professor Quirrel is that heap of super-glued pebbles over there. He had a bit of a.. mishap, but is recovering as best he can.  
  
*Professor Quirrel rocks back and forth.*  
  
Professor Quirrel: Seize him! Seize him! Seize him! Seize him! Seize him!  
  
Hermione: I once read in Hogwarts, a History that--  
  
Lucius: Shut up, Mudblood.  
  
Draco: But father, you love Herm--  
  
*Lucius slaps his hand over Draco's mouth.*  
  
Lucius: Aa-hah-hah.. Draco. What a little joker.  
  
*Hermione stares, her eyes as wide as dinner plates.*  
  
Pettigrew: Here comes Peter Cottontail hoppin' down the bunny trail! Hippity hoppity! Easter's on its way!  
  
Professor Trelawney: But my dear, it's not even Christmas!  
  
Pettigrew: Easter's on its way!  
  
Professor Trelawney: But I'm cer--  
  
Voldemort: Don't argue with him. You won't get anything established.  
  
*Professor Trelawney sighs.*  
  
Dr. Phil: May I intrude?  
  
Lucius: No.  
  
Dr. Phil: I want to actually accomplish something today. We should all talk about our problems, now.  
  
Hermione: Dr. Phil is right. This can't be therapy if all we do is pester each other.  
  
Professor Quirrel: Couldn't have said it b-better, myself. Five p-points to G-Gryffindor, Miss G-Granger. Seize him!  
  
Draco: Hey! You're not a professor anymore!  
  
Professor Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Dr. Phil: Alright, Mr. Quirrel. Since you seem to be quite talkative today, tell us your problems.  
  
Professor Quirrel: I'm a h-heap of ashes and p-pebble. My s-skin was burned because of love when V-Voldemort was in-inhabiting my b-body, and n-now, I'm s-superglued b-back together. I a-also have a st-st-stuttering p- problem that I'm c-constantly t-teased for. I will n-never make a f-full recovery from my r-rock-like s-self, and I those i-idiots at speech therapy got s-scared and wouldn't l-let me in! SEIZE HIM!  
  
{Silence.}  
  
Professor Quirrel: And this was all because of H-HARRY P-POTTER!  
  
*Everyone in the room winces.*  
  
Voldemort: Don't SAY that name!  
  
Professor Quirrel: T-terribly sorry. SEIZE HIM!  
  
Dr. Phil: Why, thank you, Mr. Quirrel for your unique story. Hm. Mr. Pettigrew? Why don't you tell us your story?  
  
Pettigrew: Buffalo Gals, won't you come out tonight? Come out tonight, come out tonight? Buffalo Gals, won't you come out tonight? And dance by the light of the moon.  
  
Hermione: I think there's a simple spell for this. I think I read it somewhere in the Standard Book of Spells when I was once bored. That reminds me! I have an assignment do for Professor Snape on the contribution of simple spells to potions!  
  
Voldemort: What's that? My Snapey-wapey?  
  
Hermione: Uh..  
  
Voldemort: You didn't hear that!  
  
Hermione: But sir, I did--  
  
Voldemort: {pointing his wand at Hermione} Avad--  
  
Draco: Stop! Stop! Stop!  
  
Voldemort: Draco?  
  
Draco: {sniffling} You can't do that to her! Potter loves her! And I love Potter! And if you kill her, Potter will be extremely sorrowful over her death, and won't have the time or inspiration to snog me!  
  
{Silence.}  
  
Dr. Phil: Eh.. I think that's enough for today. I'll see you all tomorrow!  
  
Pettigrew: But he's got high hopes! He's got high hopes! He's got high apple pie in the sky hopes! So any time you're getting low, 'stead of letting go, just remember that ant! Oops there goes another rubber tree plant! 


	3. Wednesday

[A/N: Yay! Wednesday! Thanks for reading this far!]  
  
Wednesday:  
  
[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Trelawney, Professor Quirrel, Hermione Granger, Professor Snape, and Ron Weasley.]  
  
Dr. Phil: Well, I have to say that yesterday's session was quite interesting.  
  
Voldemort: I concur.  
  
Dr. Phil: Thank you.  
  
Voldemort: You better be grateful, you shitwad of a muggle. A-hem.  
  
Dr. Phil: Yes, now I'm sensing some enmity between you and I.  
  
Voldemort: 'You' and 'I' don't fit together in the same sentence.  
  
Dr. Phil: {sniffling} Moving on.. I'd like to welcome two new members. Please give a warm welcome to Ron Weasley, and Professor Snape.  
  
Voldemort: SNAPE?! SNAPEY-WAPEY?!  
  
Professor Snape: VOLDEY-WOLDEY!  
  
Lucius: {mumbling to Draco} I am not asking.  
  
*Draco shakes his head.*  
  
Hermione: Ron? Ron, you're really here!  
  
*Ron cries hysterically.*  
  
Ron: I LOVED YOU, HERMIONE! BUT NO, YOU DENY ME AND GO OFF SNOGGING HARRY!  
  
*Everyone winces.*  
  
Voldemort and Snape: Don't say that name!  
  
Draco: W-what? Snogging Harry?  
  
*Everyone winces.*  
  
Voldemort: Draco, please stop saying that name. I really don't want to use my wand.  
  
Draco: S-sorry.  
  
Professor Quirrel: St-stuttering is MY speech p-problem! S-stop it! SEIZE HIM!  
  
*Draco whines.*  
  
Pettigrew: KING RAAAAAAAAAAAAAMSES! The man in gauze! The man in gauze! KING RAAAAAAAAAAAAMSES! The man in gauze! The man in gauze!  
  
Professor Trelawney: What in the world are you singing that for?  
  
Pettigrew: KING RAAAAAAAAAAAMSES!  
  
Hermione: King Ramses? I read about him! He was--  
  
Lucius: Girl, just stop it!  
  
Draco: But father!  
  
*Lucius growls threateningly to Draco.*  
  
Dr. Phil: Mr. Lucius, I sense some tension between you and your son.  
  
Professor Trelawney: Excuse me! I SENSE THINGS! Get that through your thick skull! I AM THE SEER!  
  
Ron: {spluttering} And HARRY's the SEEKER!  
  
*Everyone winces.*  
  
Voldemort: DON'T SAY THAT NAME!  
  
Dr. Phil: Anyway Lucius, tell us your story. But first may I recommend my diet program for people who love and worship me and watch Oprah, and who may not even need this program, but just love me so much-- for anyone who would like to buy it with nine simple payments of seventy-four dollars. [A/N: For anyone who hasn't done the math already, 74 times 9 is 666. Heh. Heh. Heh.] All the money goes into the charity for marketing Dr. Phil bobble-head dolls. Uh.. onto your story, Lucius.  
  
Lucius: Well, my name is Lucius Malfoy--  
  
Professor Snape: Yes, we know.  
  
Lucius: And I live in the Malfoy Manor, upholding family traditions and high standards. I once lived a happy life. Then Draco had to go to Hogwarts. I personally wanted to send him to Durmstrang, but Narcissa complained and complained and said she couldn't bear to send her poor son out there. So, he attended Hogwarts, made a few friends, and made loads of enemies, trying to keep secret from everyone that his father was a Death Eater.  
  
Ron: I knew it!  
  
Lucius: Yes.. anyway, among the enemies he made, one was.. {whispering} he- who-must-not-be-called-by-name.  
  
Dr. Phil: Who would that be?  
  
Lucius: Harry Potter.  
  
*Everyone winces.*  
  
Lucius: He made me say it! Anyhow, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Called-By-Name was quite an annoyance to my family. I once visited Hogwarts, and he gave me a book with a dirty sock. I threw the sock away, and my damned house elf, Dobby caught it. He's been nothing but a hindrance to the family. Fuck Potter!  
  
Draco: Dad! Are you serious?  
  
*Hermione coughs.*  
  
Lucius: No, Draco. I didn't mean it that way.  
  
Dr. Phil: Well, I can see where Draco inherited his foul language.  
  
Lucius: Who asked you?  
  
Dr. Phil: It is my job.  
  
Lucius: Pfft. Anyway, I wasn't done. And now, I'm in love with Miss Mudblood Granger over here, my wife hates me, and people are calling me a freakin' pedophile. There. Now I'm done.  
  
Dr. Phil: Well don't you have quite a predicament.  
  
*Lucius glowers.*  
  
Voldemort: This guy is getting on my nerves.  
  
Professor Snape: Well, I'd suggest a nice unforgivable, eh, Voldey-woldey?  
  
Voldemort: Excellent suggestion, Snapey-wapey. {Pointing his wand at Dr. Phil} CRUCIO!  
  
*Dr. Phil screams!*  
  
*Hermione and Ron gasp.*  
  
Pettigrew: BURN, BABY, BURN! DISCO INFERNO! BURN, BABY, BURN!  
  
Voldemort: Thank you, Pettigrew. Think he's had enough.  
  
Professor Snape: Yeah, why not.  
  
*Voldemort stops the curse.*  
  
Dr. Phil: What the hell was that?!  
  
Hermione: Cruciatus curse, Dr. Phil. One of the three Unforgivable Curses, which will land you in Azkaban if the Ministry of Magic successfully catches you, which they usually do, with the exception of Voldemort over there. They usually NEVER catch him. Pity. But wait, this would also be a concern of the muggle department, wouldn't it?  
  
Lucius: {grumbles} Weasley.  
  
Ron: What?  
  
*Lucius glares at Ron.*  
  
Hermione: Anyway, I read it in--  
  
Ron: SHUT UP, HERMIONE! JUST BECAUSE HARRY-- sorry-- HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE- CALLED-BY-NAME LOVES YOU DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PRANCE AROUND WITH ALL THIS KNOWLEDGE LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN US! I LOOOOOOOOOVE YOU, HERMIONE! I LOVE YOU!  
  
Draco: Stop your blubbering, Weasley!  
  
Ron: Eat slugs, Malfoy!  
  
Draco: Why I oughta--  
  
Dr. Phil: STOP! I think that's quite enough for today! I will see you all tomorrow! 


	4. Thursday

[A/N: Thursday time! Hope you're enjoying the fic, and again, thanks for reading this far!]  
  
  
  
Thursday:  
  
  
  
[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Trelawney, Professor Quirrel, Hermione Granger, Professor Snape, Ron Weasley, Fleur Delacour, and Madam Hooch.]  
  
  
  
Dr. Phil: Well here we are again, in another exciting session of group therapy. I'd like to inform you all that I have not raised anything for my charity for marketing Dr. Phil bobble-head dolls. Woe is me. Anyhow, I'd like to welcome two new members, Fleur Delacour, and Madam Hooch.  
  
  
  
Ron: Huh? Fleur? What's she here for?  
  
  
  
Fleur: I am plagued-- *hic* Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques.. *hic* Dormez vous? Dormez vous? *hic* Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines. *hic* Ding ding doooong! Ding ding doooong!  
  
Ron: Uh..  
  
Fleur: *Hic* Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques...  
  
Ron: That's enough.  
  
Hermione: But why is Madam Hooch here?  
  
Ron: {sniffles} HERMIONE! I LOVE YOU!  
  
Madam Hooch: I have an obsession. I LIVE Qudditch. I eat Quidditch, I drink Quidditch, I sleep Quidditch, I read Quidditch, I play Quidditch, I LOVE Quidditch!  
  
Professor Trelawney: I had a vision that you were coming today, and that you will continue to say 'Quidditch' many times today.  
  
Hermione: Well that's obvious.  
  
Draco: These sessions just get stranger by the day.  
  
Voldemort: Very true.  
  
*Professor Snape clings to his Voldey-woldey.*  
  
*Voldemort hugs his Snapey-wapey.*  
  
Professor Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Fleur: Dormez vous? Dormez vous?  
  
Pettigrew: I love you, you love me, we're a happy family--  
  
Voldemort: NO! ANYTHING but that!  
  
Pettigrew: If you're happy and you know it.. clap your hands?  
  
*Everyone except Voldemort claps.*  
  
Voldemort: NO!  
  
Pettigrew: Well, then, why don't you sing?  
  
Voldemort: Me?  
  
Professor Snape: Go Voldey-woldey!  
  
Voldemort: Um.. well.. When a man's an empty kettle, he should be on his mettle, and yet I'm torn apart. Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kinda human,  
  
if I only had a heart!  
  
*Everyone cheers.*  
  
Voldemort: Thank you! You love me! You really love me!  
  
Hermione: Actually, I..  
  
Ron: SHUT UP, HERMIONE!  
  
Voldemort: Very wise, Mr. Weasley.  
  
Ron: {blushing} Aw, shucks.  
  
Madam Hooch: Quidditch.  
  
Professor Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Dr. Phil: Shouldn't we be moving along, now? Hm. Ms. Trelawney, why don't you tell us your story?  
  
Professor Trelawney: Well, actually, I don't have much of a problem, but Professor Dumbledore urged me to come here, so I did. Anyhow, I am a true seer. True seers are very rare, and always make accurate predictions, but many Hogwarts students, like Miss Granger here--  
  
Lucius: HEY! Don't pick on Hermione!  
  
*Hermione convulses.*  
  
Professor Trelawney: Back to what I was saying-- many Hogwarts students go around claiming I'm a fraud! How dare they! Dr. Phil: We all believe that you're a true seer. Don't we?  
  
{Silence.}  
  
Dr. Phil: Would you like to contribute to the Dr. Phil charity for marketing Dr. Phil bobble head dolls?  
  
Professor Trelawney: No.  
  
*Dr. Phil sighs.*  
  
Fleur: Sonnez les matines. *hic* Sonnez les matines.  
  
Pettigrew: I'm a little teapot, short and stout! Here is my handle, here is my spout! When I get all steamed up, hear me shout! Tip me over, and pour me out!  
  
Draco: Hey! I LIKE that song!  
  
*Lucius wheezes.*  
  
Ron: Blackmail.. hm..  
  
Draco: NO! DON'T TELL POTTER!  
  
*Everyone winces.*  
  
Voldemort: Don't say that name!  
  
Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Fleur: Ding ding dong! *hic* Ding ding dong!  
  
Madam Hooch: Quidditch!  
  
Professor Snape: Be quiet!  
  
Pettigrew: No! IIIIIIT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! IT'S A SMALL, SMALL WORRRRRLDDDDDDDDD!  
  
*Everyone screams.*  
  
Dr. Phil: And so ends today's session! I'll see you tomorrow! Only three days to go. 


	5. Friday

[A/N: Friday! You really made it to Friday! Thanks for reading so far! Just a few more left!]  
  
Friday:  
  
[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Trelawney, Professor Quirrel, Hermione Granger, Professor Snape, Ron Weasley, Fleur Delacour, Madam Hooch, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black.]  
  
Dr. Phil: Thank gods the week is almost over. Today, we welcome two new members-- what a surprise. Let's all give a warm welcome to Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black.  
  
Ron and Hermione: Sirius! Professor Lupin!  
  
Remus: Yes, hello everyone.  
  
Sirius: {motioning to Pettigrew} Erg. No one told me HE would be here!  
  
Remus: Pettigrew. What are you doing here?  
  
Sirius: Isn't it obvious? The idiot NEEDS therapy.  
  
Remus: So true. But dammit, he has to be in the same group as us.  
  
Pettigrew: Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Big bad wolf, big bad wolf! Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Tra la la la la!  
  
Remus: If someone sings that ONE MORE TIME..  
  
Sirius: It's okay, Remus, I'll take care of him.  
  
Pettigrew: How much is that doggy in the window? The one with the waggley tail? How much is that doggy in the window? I do hope that doggy's for sale!  
  
Fleur: Frère Jacques! *hic* Frère Jacques!  
  
Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Madam Hooch: Quidditch!  
  
Professor Trelawney: I was right!  
  
Sirius: SHUT UP!  
  
Voldemort: There's no use, Sirius. It's a living freak show.  
  
Hermione: That's NOT nice!  
  
Professor Snape: Don't insult my Voldey-woldey!  
  
Sirius: Voldey-woldey? Severus, what has gotten into you?  
  
Remus: Ah, I should've known.  
  
Voldemort: Don't tease my Snapey-wapey!  
  
Draco: I want my Potter-wotter!  
  
*Everyone winces.*  
  
Voldemort: DON'T SAY THAT NAME!  
  
Sirius: Well.. I suppose I don't mind the name. He is my godson..  
  
Voldemort: WHAT?!  
  
Sirius: He.. is.  
  
Lucius: Fucked up family.  
  
Hermione: You should talk.  
  
Lucius: WHAT?! No. I can't. I love her.  
  
Ron: I LOVE HERMIONE!  
  
Lucius: NO, I DO!  
  
Ron: ME!  
  
Lucius: NO, ME!  
  
*Ron tackles Lucius with a screech, and the two begin wrestling.*  
  
Fleur: Dormez vous? *hic* Dormez vous?  
  
Dr. Phil: Can we.. stop this, please?  
  
Pettigrew: You Are My Sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away!  
  
*Lucius heaves Ron off of him.*  
  
{Lucius is left with a bloody nose, and Ron is left with a black eye.}  
  
Dr. Phil: Apparently this Harry Potter is causing a lot of tension between you all.  
  
Voldemort: Don't say that name!  
  
Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Draco: I love him!  
  
Fleur: Sonnez les matines! *hic* Sonnez les matines!  
  
Madam Hooch: Did you say Quidditch?  
  
Sirius: Freaks.  
  
Pettigrew: How much is that--  
  
Sirius: Fuck you, Pettigrew!  
  
Hermione: You can rhyme!  
  
Ron: So can I! I'm a poet and I didn't even--  
  
Hermione: No, Ron.  
  
Ron: Sorry.  
  
Remus: Why can't we all be civil?  
  
Pettigrew: Oh, who's afraid of the big bad wolf?  
  
Remus: PETTIGREW!  
  
Dr. Phil: Well I think I've found a solution to why Pettigrew sings.  
  
Everyone: WHY?!  
  
Dr. Phil: His inner child-self is longing to get out, and proclaim his need for protection!  
  
Pettigrew: True, but, actually, I just like the songs.  
  
Fleur: Ding ding dong!  
  
Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Pettigrew: Big bad wolf, big bad wolf!  
  
*Remus twitches.*  
  
Sirius: What's wrong, Remus?  
  
Remus: ..full moon.  
  
*Everyone screams!*  
  
Dr. Phil: Alright, excellent session, see you all tomorrow! Hate to leave so soon! 


	6. Saturday

[A/N: It's Saturday! So FUN! I'm almost done with this, so keep on reading, and thanks for reading all this way!]  
  
  
  
Saturday:  
  
  
  
[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Trelawney, Professor Quirrel, Hermione Granger, Professor Snape, Ron Weasley, Fleur Delacour, Madam Hooch, Remus Lupin, and Sirius Black.]  
  
  
  
Dr. Phil: Well, hello everyone, and no, my charity is not doing very well. We're unfortunately going bankrupt.  
  
  
  
Lucius: And we care.. why?  
  
  
  
Dr. Phil: {sniffles} You're SO harsh!  
  
  
  
Voldemort: Just continue the meeting!  
  
  
  
Dr. Phil: Alright. Today, we do NOT have two new members!  
  
  
  
Ron: It's a miracle!  
  
  
  
Hermione: But I read..  
  
  
  
Professor Trelawney: I saw this coming!  
  
  
  
Fleur: Frère Jacques! *hic* Frère Jacques!  
  
Dr. Phil: I didn't finish what I was saying! Today, we have a GUEST!  
  
Draco: I like guests.  
  
Pettigrew: I've been workin' on the railroad! All the live long day. I've been workin' on the railroad! Just to pass the time away.  
  
Dr. Phil: And today, our guest is.. HARRY POTTER!  
  
*Harry enters.*  
  
Hermione: HARRY!  
  
Ron: NOOOOO!  
  
Draco: POTTER!  
  
Sirius: What? Here?  
  
Remus: Thank gods I'm not a werewolf now!  
  
Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Fleur: Dormez vous? *hic* Dormez vous?  
  
Everyone else: NOOOOO! BOO! HISS!  
  
Voldemort: Imper--  
  
Draco: NO! I LOVE HIM!  
  
  
  
Voldemort: I hate him!  
  
Lucius: The Malfoy name is doomed.  
  
Harry: What's all the fuss about?  
  
Hermione: I LOVE YOU, HARRY!  
  
Ron: I LOVE YOU, HERMIONE!  
  
Draco: I LOVE YOU, POTTER!  
  
Harry: Draco? You mean, you're going public about it?  
  
Draco: YES!  
  
Professor Trelawney: I saw this coming!  
  
Sirius: My godson.. is.. in love.. with.. a M-Malfoy?!  
  
Quirrel: HEY! I DO THE ST-TUTTERING!  
  
Fleur: Sonnez les matines! *hic* Sonnez les matines!  
  
Pettigrew: Once a jolly swagman sat beside the billabong, under the shade of a coolibah tree, and he sang as he sat and waited by the billabong, you'll come a waltzing matilda with me!  
  
Voldemort: That was unusual.  
  
Harry: Um, Dr. Phil told me that I was "causing a lot of tension amongst you all." Is it true?  
  
Hermione, Draco, Remus, and Sirius: Not us!  
  
Harry: {laughing nervously} Well, then, no need to try and like the others. They all hate me forever and there's nothing I can do about it. Bye now!  
  
Dr. Phil: You're not going anywhere!  
  
Harry: 'scuse me?  
  
Dr. Phil: You're the trauma-causer for this therapy group. You're staying until they resolve their problems.  
  
Professor Snape: How very generous of you, Dr. Phil!  
  
Pettigrew: 'Round and 'round the cobbler's bench, the monkey chased the weasel, the monkey thought 'twas all in fun! Pop! Goes the weasel!  
  
Fleur: Ding ding dong! *hic* Ding ding dong!  
  
Quirrel: SEIZE HIM!  
  
Voldemort: So, how shall we torture him?  
  
Dr. Phil: What? Torture?  
  
Harry: WHAT?  
  
Hermione: NO!  
  
Lucius: Don't watch, Hermione!  
  
Ron: I LOVE HERMIONE!  
  
*Voldemort cackles, and approaches Harry.*  
  
Harry: You're not really going to torture me, are you?  
  
Pettigrew: Pop! Goes the weasel! 


	7. Sunday

[A/N: Finally, Sunday! Thank you for reading! Hope you liked! XD]  
  
  
  
Sunday:  
  
  
  
[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Trelawney, Professor Quirrel, Hermione Granger, Professor Snape, Ron Weasley, Fleur Delacour, Madam Hooch, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Harry Potter.]  
  
  
  
Voldemort: Welcome to the last meeting of this week-long group therapy session. As we all have encountered last night, Dr. Phil went through a bit of a mishap--  
  
  
  
Quirrel: L-like me! SEIZE HIM!  
  
Voldemort: Yes, and now, I have been elected the new therapist for this final session. I'd also like to add in that the Get Voldemort and the Death Eaters New Cuddly Kitties Charity is doing very well! We will not discuss anyone's problems today. This is a free-for-all-session, because I'm feeling extra generous today.  
  
  
  
Professor Snape: Thank you, my Voldey-woldey!  
  
  
  
Voldemort: No problem, my Snapey-wapey!  
  
  
  
Draco and Hermione: {sniffling} YOU KILLED HARRY!  
  
  
  
Voldemort: No, I didn't. I just locked him in a cardboard box with a tape player of Pettigrew's annoying songs.  
  
  
  
Draco: Well, it's as good as killing him!  
  
  
  
{From a rattling box in the corner of the room, shouts of "NOOOOO! NO MORE! PLEASE!" can be head.}  
  
  
  
Ron: And Dr. Phil! Look what you did to him! You stuffed him in a tank of flesh-eating slugs!  
  
  
  
Voldemort: That's not so bad!  
  
  
  
Professor Trelawney: I saw this coming!  
  
  
  
Madam Hooch: I want to get out of here and play some QUIDDITCH!  
  
  
  
Remus: Thank gods that this is the last day!  
  
  
  
Sirius: Right about that, Remus. Won't have to put up with that singing git another day!  
  
  
  
Pettigrew: So long sad times! Go long bad times! We are rid of you at last! Howdy gay times! Cloudy gray times! You are now a thing of the past! Happy days are here again! The skies above are clear again! So let's sing a song of cheer again! Happy days are here again!  
  
Voldemort: Good idea, Pettigrew! Let's all sing!  
  
Fleur: Alouette, gentille Alouette! Alouette je te plumerai! Alouette, gentille Alouette! Alouette je te plumerai!  
  
Voldemort: So let the sun shine in! Face it with a grin! Smilers never lose! And frowners never win! So let the sun shine in! Face it with a grin! Open up your heart and let the sun shine in!  
  
Quirrel: Now is the time to seize the day! Send out the call and join the fray! Wrongs will be righted! If we're united! Let us seize the day!  
  
Draco: I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity any girl who isn't me today!  
  
Lucius: When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be handsome, will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me! Que Sera Sera! Whatever will be, will be! The future's not ours to see! Que Sera Sera!  
  
Ron: They say our love won't pay the rent! Before it's earned, our money's all been spent! I guess that's so, we don't have a pot! But at least I'm sure of all the things we got! Babe.. I got you babe! I got you babe!  
  
Hermione: The sun is a mass of incandescent gas! A gigantic nuclear furnace! Where Hydrogen is built into Helium! At a temperature of millions of degrees!  
  
Sirius: I will find my way! I can go the distance! I'll be there someday! If I can be strong! I know ev'ry mile! Will be worth my while! I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong!  
  
Remus: Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Big bad wolf, big bad wolf! Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? Tra la la la la!  
  
Harry: It's the hard-knock life for us! It's the hard-knock life for us! 'Steada treated, we get tricked! 'Steada kisses, we get kicked! It's the hard-knock life! Got no folks to speak of, so. It's the hard-knock row we hoe! Cotton blankets, 'Steada of wool! Empty bellies, 'Steada of full! It's the hard-knock life!  
  
Professor Snape: Why would a fellow want a girl like her? A frail and fluffy beauty? Why can't a fellow ever once prefer a solid girl like me?! She's a frothy little bubble with a flimsy kind of charm! And with very little trouble I could break her little arm! Oh why would a fellow want a girl like her? So obviously unusual? Why can't a fellow ever once prefer a usual girl like me?!  
  
Professor Trelawney: What will this day be like I wonder. What will my future be? I wonder. It could be so exciting, to be out in the world, to be free! My heart should be wildly rejoicing. Oh, what's the matter with me?  
  
Madam Hooch: Think of the happiest things! It's the same as having wings! Take the path that moonbeams make! If the moon is still awake, you'll see him wink his eye! You can fly! You can fly! You can fly!  
  
Dr. Phil: I'm late, I'm late! For a very important date! No time to say "Hello", "Goodbye!" I'm late, I'm late, I'm late! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, I'm overdue! I'm really stew! No time to say "Goodbye", "Hello!" I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!  
  
Pettigrew: I love you! You love me! We're a h--  
  
Everyone: NO!  
  
Pettigrew: Nobody likes me, everybody hates me! Guess I'll go eat worms! Long, thin, slimy ones! Short, fat, juicy ones! Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms!  
  
Everyone: We are the world! We are the children! We are the ones who make a brighter day! So let's start giving! There's a choice we're making! We're saving our own lives! It's true we'll make a better day! Just you and me!  
  
{The scene ends, with everyone holding hands and swaying back and forth-- except for Harry and Dr. Phil, who are still stuffed away.}  
  
  
  
[A/N: WHOO! I'm done! This took me so long to write. XD But I had fun writing it! Reviews are lovely, by the way! Thanks for reading! Hope you liked! 


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